By
Christopher Hunt
I was wandering round old Jake’s woods, contemplating
my grand future of dragons, dames in distress, and an overall condition of unrealistic
bravery, when I stuck my foot straight through a yellow-jackets nest. However unreasonable,
it’s a simple process of adrenaline spewing panic: the soft crunch of bee-paper
giving way, the first burning sting in my leg, the hum of mirror-wings batting
the ever-slipping air, and the sudden realization that, yes, ‘I’m freaking like nobody’s business’. But
hey, I was about to be stabbed by a trillion microscopic poisoned teeth, not an
exceedingly enjoyable prospect to say the least.
It’s interesting to note that I had
encountered these over-zealous flying bastards no less than five times previously,
and, due to this, I actually went through this choreographed process consciously
and subconsciously, resulting in something
similar to what happens when you listen to a perfectly lovely song playing
twice over but separated by a few seconds. No matter how magnificent, how
majestic, how virtuoso the original song was, there is absolutely and unequivocally
no way in this universe that you could enjoy that mashed up and convoluted monstrosity.
Now imagine if you started with something less-nice than a classical masterpiece,
if you started with something, if possible, more horrific than our previous repeating
(and thankfully imaginary) song. ‘I hope
she will sing to me when this is all over.’
This was where I was: stuck between a mental
breakdown and an overly ruddy, throbbing, and engorged state of physicality. I went
on a quick journey of thought processes and came to the conclusion that no
matter how much I hurt, inside and out, that standing still in the middle of an
angry dragons din and screaming my throat dry would not improve my overall
state of being. This resulted in a mad scramble of legs and arms while I figured
out which set of libs was designed for running. I ended up using a combination of
the two and made fair time, considering my choice of locomotion, escaping from
the dragons den with the princess miraculously in my arms. And then, just like
Kirk in the Enterprise with all his
crew, I made contact. Not with a here-to-for undiscovered species of Martian humanoids
as I possibly suspected at the time, but with a perfectly lovely specimen of Quercus
lobata, or in laymen’s terms, an oak tree.
This was exactly what I needed: peaceful quiet
darkness. A pause from the crashing-conscious-world I had just left. I drifted lazily,
wondering how the beast had caught up with us. ‘We were traveling so fast, so far. Why are the lights so bright? Why do
I feel like I’m inflated and covered in plastic wrap? Where did she go? What’s
this funny thing sticking in my arm? Oh, it’s taped down, that’s strange. Wow!
This bed is really soft. That’s nice.’ Out of the clouds the nurse asked me
what had happened. I thought on it for a while and decided on the safest
answer. “I saved the world!”